Some advice should you ever be in this situation
A dream I had the other night answered a question that has been plaguing me since I was a wee lad: What do you do if elephants attack? Well now I know and I intend to share it with you all. First let me set the scene…
It was a warm summer evening, the sun was just beginning to make its journey towards the horizon and the city was smothered with a soft light that just relaxed the souls of all those present. A feeling of calm emanated from the surrounding buildings this was the best time to be in the city, the moment between the end of peak hour rush and before everyone flocked to the city for an evening of decadence, debauchery and designing kites to fly the next day. But this calm was waning as people began to flock to the imposing citadel that was some random five-star hotel.
I was making my way up the colossal set of stairs that led to the main foyer of the hotel when I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of a nearby public square. This was no ordinary square though, it was filled with elephants. A parade of elephants all standing up on their hind legs dancing. Thinking back I can only assume that this was one of two things: A war dance in preparation of what would surely become a night filled with bloodshed or that the elephants were in town having a good time and were provoke into attacking the hotel when one of the bar staff refused to let them take their drinks outside. Either way I’ll never forget the malicious look in the lead elephant’s eyes when our gazes met for nothing but the briefest of moments.
As I entered the hotel I was greeted by a rush of cool air lingering with the smell of alcohol, tobacco and diethyl ether. Although everyone was in good spirits there was definite ominous feeling hanging in the air and it became more apparent as the hotel staff began to prepare for the imminent invasion. Mirrors were lined against the walls at regular intervals and the staff began to brief the guests on the proper procedures of how to defend against an elephant attack. It didn’t take long before the elephants were on us. They were fighting a guerilla campaign against us among the urban jungle of the hotel corridors. The narrow halls and grand foyers offered little in the way of cover against the mass charge of elephants. As quickly as they appeared they retreated only to come at us again from a different approach. Mirrors were becoming scarce, the fragile weapons, our only offensive and defensive weapon at our disposal, could not handle the sheer panic that had gripped the guests and staff. Every sound of shattered glass was accompanied by wails of terror and accusations of clumsiness and stupidity. We slowly made our way towards the lifts, harried all the way by marauding elephants.
When at long last the lifts were in sight the elephants attacked in numbers one would hardly believe possible. It was every man for him self, a desperate sprint to the lifts was all that was left. People crammed the lifts well beyond the advertised maximum capacity. Those who didn’t make it in time were left behind. As the lift doors closed their muffled screams were cut off abruptly, followed by the sound of entrails splashing against the already blood soaked carpet. Sighs of relief echoed through the lift as we reached the 14th floor, one woman started crying as the trauma of the experience overcame her once strong emotional state. We were safe, the elephants would never dare go above the 13th floor, they were scared to death of heights. They had almost no problem up to and including the 13th floor but if they passed the level 13 they would be unable to control their fear and would be easily overcome by the people in the hotel. We were safe but we were cut off, besieged on all sides by the creatures we once strived to protect and preserve.
That is where the dream ends. One might wonder how it ended, well I could think of two possible endings:
The optimistic ending: After three days and four nights of relentless siege warfare, the elephants low on resources to continue the siege and the defender running out of mini hotel soaps and shampoos and terrified of the minibar bill, reached an agreement. A peace deal was drawn up and elephants and humans continued to live together in peace for centuries.
The pessimistic ending: Though they defended valiantly, the humans were eventually overcome. The elephants overcame their fear of heights and slaughtered every last man woman and child. But the human race can take some consolation in the fact that the elephant’s victory was a pyrrhic one, they sustained heavy losses in their final push against the human defenders and their mirrors and it took many decades to replace those lost on that darkest of dark nights.
So the moral of the story is: if ever you are backed into a corner or attacked by elephants just hope to god you have a mirror handy if not get as high up as you possibly can. (Not much of a moral really more like a piece of handy advice one should keep close because I’m sure it works with woolly mammoths as well.)
It was a warm summer evening, the sun was just beginning to make its journey towards the horizon and the city was smothered with a soft light that just relaxed the souls of all those present. A feeling of calm emanated from the surrounding buildings this was the best time to be in the city, the moment between the end of peak hour rush and before everyone flocked to the city for an evening of decadence, debauchery and designing kites to fly the next day. But this calm was waning as people began to flock to the imposing citadel that was some random five-star hotel.
I was making my way up the colossal set of stairs that led to the main foyer of the hotel when I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of a nearby public square. This was no ordinary square though, it was filled with elephants. A parade of elephants all standing up on their hind legs dancing. Thinking back I can only assume that this was one of two things: A war dance in preparation of what would surely become a night filled with bloodshed or that the elephants were in town having a good time and were provoke into attacking the hotel when one of the bar staff refused to let them take their drinks outside. Either way I’ll never forget the malicious look in the lead elephant’s eyes when our gazes met for nothing but the briefest of moments.
As I entered the hotel I was greeted by a rush of cool air lingering with the smell of alcohol, tobacco and diethyl ether. Although everyone was in good spirits there was definite ominous feeling hanging in the air and it became more apparent as the hotel staff began to prepare for the imminent invasion. Mirrors were lined against the walls at regular intervals and the staff began to brief the guests on the proper procedures of how to defend against an elephant attack. It didn’t take long before the elephants were on us. They were fighting a guerilla campaign against us among the urban jungle of the hotel corridors. The narrow halls and grand foyers offered little in the way of cover against the mass charge of elephants. As quickly as they appeared they retreated only to come at us again from a different approach. Mirrors were becoming scarce, the fragile weapons, our only offensive and defensive weapon at our disposal, could not handle the sheer panic that had gripped the guests and staff. Every sound of shattered glass was accompanied by wails of terror and accusations of clumsiness and stupidity. We slowly made our way towards the lifts, harried all the way by marauding elephants.
When at long last the lifts were in sight the elephants attacked in numbers one would hardly believe possible. It was every man for him self, a desperate sprint to the lifts was all that was left. People crammed the lifts well beyond the advertised maximum capacity. Those who didn’t make it in time were left behind. As the lift doors closed their muffled screams were cut off abruptly, followed by the sound of entrails splashing against the already blood soaked carpet. Sighs of relief echoed through the lift as we reached the 14th floor, one woman started crying as the trauma of the experience overcame her once strong emotional state. We were safe, the elephants would never dare go above the 13th floor, they were scared to death of heights. They had almost no problem up to and including the 13th floor but if they passed the level 13 they would be unable to control their fear and would be easily overcome by the people in the hotel. We were safe but we were cut off, besieged on all sides by the creatures we once strived to protect and preserve.
That is where the dream ends. One might wonder how it ended, well I could think of two possible endings:
The optimistic ending: After three days and four nights of relentless siege warfare, the elephants low on resources to continue the siege and the defender running out of mini hotel soaps and shampoos and terrified of the minibar bill, reached an agreement. A peace deal was drawn up and elephants and humans continued to live together in peace for centuries.
The pessimistic ending: Though they defended valiantly, the humans were eventually overcome. The elephants overcame their fear of heights and slaughtered every last man woman and child. But the human race can take some consolation in the fact that the elephant’s victory was a pyrrhic one, they sustained heavy losses in their final push against the human defenders and their mirrors and it took many decades to replace those lost on that darkest of dark nights.
So the moral of the story is: if ever you are backed into a corner or attacked by elephants just hope to god you have a mirror handy if not get as high up as you possibly can. (Not much of a moral really more like a piece of handy advice one should keep close because I’m sure it works with woolly mammoths as well.)
posted by Jam-Head at 8:05 pm
4 Comments:
"sound of entrails splashing against the already blood soaked carpet. "
How lovely, i adore that sound!
That was a charming parable jam-head, my dreams never have such vivid subplots and characterisation. You write really well!
UR A SICKO JAM-HEAD, clearly the elephants are phallic symbols...their trunks snaking into ur supple...
I messed myself :(
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